Silently Struggling: Living in Agreement with a Narcissistic Spouse

How many times have you found yourself nodding and agreeing with your spouse, even when their actions were clearly indefensible? Maybe you listened as they justified yelling at their sister, labeling her the problem. “Of course,” you murmured, “she’s out of control.” Or perhaps you smiled and stayed quiet when the dog’s accident on the carpet—while your spouse was gaming with friends—was blamed on your child, even though he wasn’t even home. That car accident? Somehow, your spouse convinced you it wasn’t their road rage but your “terrible directions.” And so, with an apologetic whisper, you found yourself saying, “You’re right. I’m so sorry. It was my fault.”

If you’ve never lived with a narcissist, this might sound baffling. But for those who have, it’s an all-too-familiar script. Narcissists, by definition, are always right. Disagreement is not allowed. And when conflict arises, their reality becomes your reality, leaving little room for your own truth.

For many survivors of narcissistic relationships or a narcissistic spouse, this dynamic often leads to feelings of guilt and regret. You may look back and wonder why you didn’t stand up for yourself or your children. Worse, you might replay moments where you feel you condoned their behavior by staying silent—or even agreeing.

But let me be clear: your spouse’s behavior is never your fault. Let me say it again. No matter what you said—or didn’t say—to avoid a fight or to keep the peace, their actions remain their responsibility. The blame lies with them, not you.

Still, you may find yourself questioning your choices. Why didn’t you challenge their behavior in the moment? Why did you agree with something you didn’t believe? These questions are normal, and they deserve thoughtful exploration. Below, I outline the reasons why you may have chosen to agree with your narcissistic spouse rather than argue. My hope is that this understanding will help you find self-compassion and grace on your journey toward healing.

1. Disagreeing Wasn’t Safe

Many narcissists react explosively when confronted with evidence that they are wrong. Beneath their facade of confidence often lies a deep-seated fear that people don’t respect them. This means that a simple disagreement or correction can very quickly spiral into rage, blame, and personal attacks.

For a narcissist’s spouse, their bad mood can dominate everything, leaving you walking on eggshells in an effort to protect yourself or your children. Narcissists may lash out verbally, turn to physical violence, impose control over your movements or finances, or even involve your children in their anger. They may weaponize their relationship with the kids, taking them away from you or persuading them to take their side.

In these moments, agreeing with the narcissist often feels like the only way to keep yourself and your children safe.

2. You Were Trained to Doubt Yourself

Narcissists thrive on maintaining power in relationships, and to do so, they erode their partner’s self-esteem. Subtle criticisms about your intelligence, appearance, or choices become daily occurrences. They gaslight you—rewriting events to paint themselves in a better light, leaving you second-guessing your memory and perspective.

Over time, this constant barrage of negativity leaves you feeling incapable and unsure of yourself. When you see yourself as unworthy or incompetent, disagreeing with your spouse feels impossible. Narcissists groom their partners into submission, ensuring that challenging them seems unthinkable.

3. You Didn’t Have the Time or Energy

For many in relationships with narcissists, survival means carrying the mental, emotional, and physical load of the household alone. While you juggled the endless responsibilities of childcare, household tasks, and work, your spouse likely devoted themselves to their own interests, oblivious to the demands on you.

After a day spent running errands, managing meltdowns, and keeping the household functioning, it’s no wonder you had little energy left to face a fight with your spouse. Agreeing—no matter how wrong it felt—was the only way to avoid a battle that would sap even more of your limited strength.

4. It Didn’t Make Any Difference

Deep down, you may have recognized the futility of arguing. With a narcissist, it’s not about finding common ground or understanding—it’s about them winning. Apologies, accountability, or compromise simply were not a part of the equation.

In fact, disagreeing often made things worse, leading to drawn-out arguments until you gave in—or worse, provoking one of their unsafe behaviors. Over time, you learned that agreeing was the only way to end the cycle, even when it came at the cost of your own voice.

Reclaiming Your Strength & Embracing Healing

Looking back on your time with a narcissist spouse, I hope you can view your actions in a new light. You weren’t weak. You weren’t complicit. You were surviving. You were protecting yourself and your children. You were doing the best you could in an impossible situation.

Remember the times when you found creative ways to push back against their control, even in small ways—like leaving the kids with a trusted relative during their explosive moods or finding ways to say “no” without provoking their anger. Those moments matter. They show your resilience and strength.

If you’ve left the relationship, that courage deserves celebration, too. Walking away from a narcissist requires immense bravery and determination. You took back your power.

Finally, never shift the blame for a narcissist’s terrible actions onto your shoulders. That’s the narcissist’s voice in your head, not your truth. Shut it down. Make space for healing. Make space for joy. You are worthy of grace and a brighter future.

You deserve it.